And I did… I
washed me down with a bottle a vodka, a fistful of pills and a lifetime supply
of broken dream.
Remnants of
rape burn valleys into my flesh for my tears to fill like rivers, carrying
traces of my memory to eat away at my spirit. Taunting me with the knowledge of
knowing the memories by name, in bits and pieces. Torn and Tattered.
Self-esteem battered. A bitch left fucked raw with nothing to show for it but a
beautiful face and mystery in my eyes so that even if you heard my please you
still wouldn’t have believed the battle cries!
Jaded
perception of life…No faith in trust…Yet the only thing I clung to was love.
Well…the idea
of love, NO, the ideal of love!
‘Cause all
I’d been shown from birth to independence was lust and was forced to master the
art of sex before I reached double digits and was passing out cards in the
business of self hatred before my young hart new it was capable of self-love.
Legs pried
open wide while negativity shoved it’s dick inside me, down stroking my mental
with thoughts of, ‘You ain’t never gon’
be good for nothing’ and ‘Sex will be
your greatest destiny’ … Ejaculation only confirmation that that was what
I’d become. Nine months went by and I gave birth to a lie loving it fully, giving the last of
what I felt I could be while self-esteem went from torn and tattered to
virtually non-existent. The viral disconnect from my spirit left my soul
distant.
But what
happened next could only be fathomed within the security of dreams, because
while sex and negativity fucked me over and over with experience… My strength
waiting in the wings, growing more and more impatient with every gunshot
through my heart and every machete through my womb. The echoes of forgotten
battle fueled my strength like the passion behind the birth of a new nation and
I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO ME!!! And
this internal conflict is a matter of National Security.
Waging a war
with the 8th deadliest sin carrying a secret weapon I never realized
I had. Never once stopping to realize the sacred trinity of bloodlines that
comprises my strength and courses through my veins…swaying my thinking giving
me power with each and every one of my adversaries insults or derogative names.
Until bitch became synonymous with beautiful and ho became synonymous with honorable.
For my nation
was birthed from the womb of the Gods
and her laws and principles built on the back of Kings and Queens. But see in your small minds you don’t get what
this truly means, because you’re still trying to sift real life from your
dreams while I’ve vowed to make mine reality. And as the war wages on my
strength is steady brewing… the precursor of calm before the storm and now
years later…I’m ready to drop these bombs…
I’ve studied,
calibrated, and triangulated the position in which to carry out my mission. And
NO, it’s not aimed at you or those like you who live to fabricate the truth…
This target is aimed directly for the youth.
See while
negativity thought it would break me my flexibility came through greatly. From
early on I learned how to bend and roll with the punches with the simplest ease…and
it’s that same strength that picked me up off my knees. No credit due to your
negative reinforcement, for I on my own accord made a better life for myself.
And I’ll use that same strength matched with guidance to help make it better
for somebody else.
The Universe
has spared my spirit to serve as a secret weapon, a sacred vessel, allowing my
struggle to encourage someone else. A strategic play, giving me the upper hand
and the greatest wealth…
And from here
through the duration I’ll always pledge undying loyalty to my nation, this is a
declaration of love and admiration. The war has been fought and won, I’ve
reached self-actualization… Not by this triumph over my situation but by
becoming master and commander of my destination.
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