Marriage Advice Pep Talk... To Myself.

You guys this may be my shortest blog yet, I just needed to get this off my achy little chest. (No, not heartbroken or anything. I decided to get adventurous with my Chipotle bowl today, and got the hot salsa like an idiot, and now the acids in my body are waging anarchy.) ANYWHO!!!

I'll be getting married next year... and one of the first things I found myself doing is looking at other couples to see if their marriages looked like something I wanted. Will & Jada; Portia & Ellen; Ossie & Ruby Dee; they all looked good to me. Like the idea of marriage is so chaste that it immediate incurs the fears of royally fucking it up. Then something just hit me when I found myself asking for marriage advice. No one could give me the best info on what sustains a marriage because they haven't built the relationship that got me too this point, I did. We did. When you think about it, if your fiance/spouse ever cheated or lied to you the advisers aren't going to be hurt like you would be or filled with all those emotions. No! They're going to thank whatever gods they serve that they don't have those type of problems, but they'll try to empathize... and it isn't the same.

I was watching a really awesome show right out of Shondaland, where a dark and twisty woman lost her husband. I could barely get through those episodes because the thought of losing my fiancee hurt so bad that I cried so hard I couldn't see (That's some damn fine writing). I'm consciously pledging forever with someone, no one can do that for me. Although, the business side of marriage is usually the same, sustaining the business while balancing the connection is truly unique to each couple. When I started dating her I didn't ask for advice on how to love her... I just did it. I didn't ask for advice on how living together should go for us, I just did it. We just did it! 

I don't think I want marriage advice, honestly. I just want to enjoy figuring it out. That's the fun part!!! My life is one big puzzle that I'll have help with forever, and that idea doesn't scare me at all.

My Longest Facebook Status Epiphany of Ever

***So this started out as a Facebook status that I soon realized was getting entirely too long, and then it hit me… I have a goddamn blog I can post this on, what in the entire fuck am I doing with my life? So here it is the longest Facebook status epiphany I’ve written to date.***

I was born and raised with traditional Southern values you know, family, faith, hard work, and the like. I still hold those to be dear to my soul with some minor adjustments to how they were originally instilled. I no longer consider myself Christian and coming up that was huge corner stone in my life.  My epiphany lies in the fact that I have been judging people's feelings on this marriage ruling, and my engagement, based on the type of Christian I used to be and my current spirituality. I’ve been holding people to a standard I hold myself to, and it’s just not fair or realistic.

I cannot force anyone to share my beliefs and I do not try. The only thing I do is share information so I can do my part to stop the perpetuation of ignorance. I have become frustrated with the hypocrisy I've been seeing and let it sway my feelings from contented indifference to wounded anger. I have been out for almost 15 years, so nothing about the backlash is new or surprising. Nothing about the selective piety from family members and even some acquaintances is surprising. What is most upsetting, is knowing that I am legit going to have to open the door for those who are willingly walking out of my life. I can't hold on to them and I can't make them see through the lens of unconditional love; that is something they would have to do on their own. I have been looking at those who I grew up with stay silent when it comes to the triumphs in my life, while knowing at times I was the only one in their corners rooting for them. That’s a hard pill to swallow, and quite frankly it sucks major balls. I never thought I’d come across such people in my life, given that I try my damndest to not be that way, but this only confirms why these people are choosing to make their exodus. The LoA is too real.

Being a medium, however, gives me a unique perspective on the troubles of this world because I have direct communication with those that have moved on from it. Interestingly enough, what they say about the other side versus what society feels about it, just doesn't add up. My Grandmother, the only one I ever knew physically, was the embodiment of what I thought a Christian was to be. She was literally everything; she even had a secret twin! She was such a Christ-filled, amazing healer that pastors sought her out to pray for them. My grandmother never met a stranger, she lived the word of God from her heart not just the book, she didn’t blindly follow what others said about God, she came to know God for herself and sought to share that knowing with others in the best way she knew how.

She passed away when I was 10 years old, and now in my 27th year I am finally able to connect with her and speak directly to her in the spirit realm. And what this, to this day, devout Christian has told me from the other side is that none of people's feelings about my sexuality and marriage equality matter. The only constant on the other side is unconditional love. It permeates all things, it encompasses all things, it lives in all things and so long as I am happy and loving with an open, unbiased heart and treating people with kindness, that is all that matters. I’ve talked to her directly and have had readings from strangers that have relayed the same message that she is so proud of me, and she adores my fiancée and wants nothing more than for us to be happy. When I began typing this, she was standing over my shoulder giggling at my use of foul language, knowing I wasn’t going to change it. 

She totally gets me, that woman, potty mouth and all. 

So with this epiphany I am releasing this anger with love. I am releasing this hurt with love. I am releasing some of my aunts, uncles, and cousins with love, and I wish you all nothing but the best in your future endeavors. I hope your lives are nothing less than how you envisioned them being, and know that I will always love you unconditionally and hold no ill feelings towards you. 

The way in which I love holds no room for anything less than positivity, understanding, and acceptance, so should you desire to come back through that door, it will be unlocked for you...

That’s just how I was raised.

Conversations w/ Myself

***This is one of the many pep talks/verbal lashings I give myself when I’m feeling down. You gotta be your own therapist sometimes and I love to share my thoughts so… Enjoy.***
 

How do we know if what we want is truly, what we want? How are we supposed to decide? Who has the final say, us or God?

There are so many variables to this, I’ve found. God dwells within each of us so we could act on our own divine accord, or wait until skittles rain down from the heavens as some grand sign that it’s time to invest in that business you’ve been eying.

How do move forward in the face of an utter lack of motivation?

Can we tell I have reached an impasse in my life?

I’ve been trying to get my life together in the form of good old fashioned penny pinching and trying to become some sort of financial Yoda. Moreover, while those things are completely necessary in this world, I don’t feel like that’s where the issue lies. See, there are a plethora of ways I could get my shit together. I know I have a spiritual calling, but am I supposed to make that my sole means of income? Times like this, I wish I had Teresa Caputo on speed-dial. That’s the human existence for you, a crap-load of questions with fleeting answers, or answers so deep fried and smothered in mystery that you wouldn’t believe it if Jesus came and told you himself.

I used to say it was a downside, but now it’s more of a teachable moment when you have knowledge about the mysteries of life that still your mind when the questions arise… Nevertheless, you still have to answer the fucking questions! Well played Universe, well played.

The knowledge I’m referencing is in the philosophy of knowing your higher calling may not always lead to great monetary gain but it will be rewarding. On the flip-side, understanding that I’ll be granted what I feel I deserve if only I make a choice, which brings us back to the question, how do know what we want is truly what we want? In the presence of that query, it is hard to commit to a choice.

Hmmm, commitment. Now that’s a topic to cover, Luna! Something I have known all too well. I’ve made commitments to things that I have evolved passed and made it through. I’ve flat out broken commitments because what I was committed to wasn’t for my highest and greatest good. I’m currently committed to this healthy lifestyle change and honestly, it’s been pretty good. I’ve lost weight and maintained it even through the dreaded salty-sweet PMS cravings, and let me tell you that shit isn’t easy!

I’ve learned in the past couple of months that I’m always committed to helping others realize their dreams but I’m not the same way with myself. I’m sure this is the source of the issue and the reason behind the confusing and conflicting questions.

Why am I this way?

I have no idea but it really makes me happy when I seeing others reaching for the stars and finding their little slice of heaven in the cosmos, I mean that’s better than any Lifetime or Hallmark Network movie. For instance, my girlfriend started her own business and is kicking major ass, my baby sister got into culinary arts school on her own accord and is starting soon, and I am over the fucking Andromeda Galaxy about all of it. 

We all want to see those around us doing well, and it seems like everyone around me is doing amazing things; I’m filled with a huge sense of pride about that. I get this high from seeing others succeed by their own standards and being able to say they are truly happy and it makes me feel invincible in some odd way. Until the first of the month rolls around and rent and the rest of my life is due. 

Is it so hard to do what makes me happy AND make a living? 

One thing I’m sure of is that I refuse to believe that it’s only a chosen few that are able to do what they love AND make lucrative moves in the process.

I’m growing frustrated with the ‘how’ maybe I should just do shit and scatter caution across the four winds.

Hmm, I like that idea. It’s very… Disney Princess. I can totally be a Disney Princess all I need is a chunk of Tiana, a dash of Mulan, a dose of Kida and Elsa, a pinch of Pocahontas, and dollop of Aurora because who doesn’t love a nap or two. The digression is real. 

Okay, at this stage in life it’s time for me to stop over analyzing my life and live that shit! Plans don’t mean shit if you have no follow through. Welp let’s do this.

Either way you slice it, I have a gift to give that is of some value to myself and others, and since there’s no manual on how to do it, I just got to do it. Fuck the ‘hows’ it’s one of the most dangerous questions I have ever asked myself next to ‘What if?’ And never liked that sum’bitch either. 

Whew! Okay, Luna good talk… Let’s go get ‘em.