***This is one of the many pep talks/verbal lashings I give myself when I’m feeling down. You gotta be your own therapist sometimes and I love to share my thoughts so… Enjoy.***
How do we know if what we want is truly, what we want? How
are we supposed to decide? Who has the final say, us or God?
There are so many variables to this, I’ve found. God dwells
within each of us so we could act on our own divine accord, or wait until
skittles rain down from the heavens as some grand sign that it’s time to invest
in that business you’ve been eying.
How do move forward in the face of an utter lack of
motivation?
Can we tell I have reached an impasse in my life?
I’ve been trying to get my life together in the form of good
old fashioned penny pinching and trying to become some sort of financial Yoda. Moreover,
while those things are completely necessary in this world, I don’t feel like
that’s where the issue lies. See, there are a plethora of ways I could get my
shit together. I know I have a spiritual calling, but am I supposed to make that my sole means of income? Times like
this, I wish I had Teresa Caputo on speed-dial. That’s the human existence for
you, a crap-load of questions with fleeting answers, or answers so deep fried
and smothered in mystery that you wouldn’t believe it if Jesus came and told
you himself.
I used to say it was a downside, but now it’s more of a
teachable moment when you have knowledge about the mysteries of life that still
your mind when the questions arise… Nevertheless, you still have to answer the
fucking questions! Well played Universe, well played.
The knowledge I’m referencing is in the philosophy of
knowing your higher calling may not always lead to great monetary gain but it will be rewarding. On the flip-side,
understanding that I’ll be granted what I feel I deserve if only I make a
choice, which brings us back to the question, how do know what we want is truly
what we want? In the presence of that query, it is hard to commit to a choice.
Hmmm, commitment. Now that’s a topic to cover, Luna!
Something I have known all too well. I’ve made commitments to things that I
have evolved passed and made it through. I’ve flat out broken commitments
because what I was committed to wasn’t for my highest and greatest good. I’m
currently committed to this healthy lifestyle change and honestly, it’s been
pretty good. I’ve lost weight and maintained it even through the dreaded
salty-sweet PMS cravings, and let me tell you that shit isn’t easy!
I’ve learned in the past couple of months that I’m always
committed to helping others realize their dreams but I’m not the same way with
myself. I’m sure this is the source of the issue and the reason behind the
confusing and conflicting questions.
Why am I this way?
I have no idea but it really makes me happy when I seeing
others reaching for the stars and finding their little slice of heaven in the
cosmos, I mean that’s better than any Lifetime or Hallmark Network movie. For
instance, my girlfriend started her own business and is kicking major ass, my
baby sister got into culinary arts school on her own accord and is starting
soon, and I am over the fucking Andromeda Galaxy about all of it.
We all want to see those around us doing well, and it seems
like everyone around me is doing amazing things; I’m filled with a huge sense
of pride about that. I get this high from seeing others succeed by their own
standards and being able to say they are truly happy and it makes me feel
invincible in some odd way. Until the first of the month rolls around and rent
and the rest of my life is due.
Is it so hard to do what makes me happy AND make a living?
One thing I’m sure of is that I refuse to believe that it’s
only a chosen few that are able to do what they love AND make lucrative moves
in the process.
I’m growing frustrated with the ‘how’ maybe I should just do
shit and scatter caution across the four winds.
Hmm, I like that idea. It’s very… Disney Princess. I can
totally be a Disney Princess all I need is a chunk of Tiana, a dash of Mulan, a
dose of Kida and Elsa, a pinch of Pocahontas, and dollop of Aurora because who
doesn’t love a nap or two. The digression is real.
Okay, at this stage in life it’s time for me to stop over
analyzing my life and live that shit! Plans don’t mean shit if you have no
follow through. Welp let’s do this.
Either way you slice it, I have a gift to give that is of
some value to myself and others, and since there’s no manual on how to do it, I
just got to do it. Fuck the ‘hows’ it’s one of the most dangerous questions I
have ever asked myself next to ‘What if?’ And never liked that sum’bitch
either.
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